Episode 222
Leveraging Reciprocity: Ethical Influence for Speakers
Mastering Reciprocity: Elevate Your Speaking Career Ethically
Summary
In this episode, the speaker delves into the psychology of reciprocity, one of Robert Cialdini's key principles of influence, and how it can be leveraged ethically by speakers to gain more gigs, referrals, and rebookings without rewriting presentations or begging for business. The discussion includes practical strategies like maintaining active communication with bookers, providing added value during and after talks, and avoiding manipulative tactics. Illustrative examples from Cialdini's book and real-life scenarios are shared to highlight both ethical and unethical applications of reciprocity. The episode concludes with tips on maintaining long-term relationships and ensuring that giving remains genuine and not purely transactional.
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Reciprocity
02:06 Real World Example: Street Vendor Story
03:30 Practical Ways to Use Reciprocity as a Speaker
12:45 When Reciprocity Goes Wrong
15:47 Avoiding Manipulative Uses of Reciprocity
20:29 Give Because You Care, Not to Get
22:06 Cal l to Action and Wrap-up
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Transcript
Question for you.
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:Do you want to have more speaking
gigs, more referrals, more re
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:bookings without rewriting your
talk or begging for the business?
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:Then you need to understand
the psychology of reciprocity.
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:One of Robert Cialdini's most powerful
principles of influence from his book
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:influenced the psychology of persuasion.
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:And in this episode, we're gonna
dive into how reciprocity works.
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:How to use it ethically as a speaker
and what happens when it's misused
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:or when it doesn't work at all.
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:Now, whether you're new to the stage or
a seasoned professional understanding
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:this principle can transform the way
that you build relationships with
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:audiences, bookers and collaborators.
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:Reciprocity is simple but powerful.
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:When someone gives to us, we
feel a natural urge to give back.
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:Now, research showed that this is pretty
much hardwired into human psychology.
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:It's universal.
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:It builds trust and it bonds quickly.
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:But when you can apply this as a
speaker, not in a manipulative way,
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:but in a generous, authentic way,
It becomes a very powerful business
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:building and relationship building tool.
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:One of the stories that Cialdini
talks about in his book is about how
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:there was a sect, a religious cult
in the US called the Moonies, which
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:I think is still around in some way,
shape or form, under a different name.
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:And back in the seventies, they used
to hang around at airports particularly,
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:and you could spot them a mile off.
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:They'd be dressed very cultish, like
they were part of some religious
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:order, and they would come up to
people and give people a flower,
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:a daisy, or something like that.
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:And even though that seems like, oh,
they just probably went out and picked
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:them and hand them to people, the act
of giving that to somebody would also
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:potentially initiate a conversation or
perhaps encourage a donation from them
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:or for them to take more literature away.
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:And it was part of their
recruitment technique to bring
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:people into the cult as well.
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:So you can see how powerful the tool
of reciprocity can be when applied, if
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:it's something that cults would even use
as part of their recruitment process.
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:I've seen this used very effectively
and I would say unethically here in
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:Valencia, where I live and most places
in Spain, you probably see this in a lot
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:of European countries, maybe not so much
in the UK and the us I haven't really
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:seen it there, but people who often will
come around and just selling the stuff.
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:And I saw one guy, he did
this really, really well.
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:Actually wanted to ask
if I could film him.
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:I'm pretty sure he'd come over from Africa
and was traveling around the country and
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:selling bracelets and what he was doing,
if anyone was even slightly interested,
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:he would give them a bracelet and say,
no, you take it, it's my gift for you.
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:People like, hi, all right.
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:Then he would kind of pretend to
sort of walk off and then come.
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:Say, Hey look, maybe you
could gimme something.
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:They, they try and get the bracelet
back, but he wouldn't really let
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:them know it was my gift for you, but
maybe you can give something to me.
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:That is very darkly manipulative,
and I understand from his position
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:why he would do it that way.
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:It's very clever.
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:People feel some sense of responsibility.
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:Well, you have given
me this thing, so okay.
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:I'll give you a couple of euros just
to clear off and leave me alone.
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:That is probably not the best
way to be using reciprocity.
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:It doesn't really apply so much to us
as speakers anyway, but that hopefully
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:demonstrates for you how powerful the
force is of feeling that you have to
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:give back in those sorts of situations.
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:so.
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:We really want to apply this as
a speaker and here's how to use
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:reciprocity in real and practical
and ethical ways, hopefully as well.
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:So before your talk, you can send
a thank you video or message to
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:the booker after you've confirmed.
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:Stay in contact with them as
well and let them know what
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:you're doing with everything.
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:And is a great practice
to have as a speaker.
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:You know, if you are flying in there,
let them know that your plane has landed.
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:Let 'em know that you're at the hotel.
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:Let them know what time
you'll be at the event room.
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:Let them know if there's anything
they need to reach out for you, when
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:you'll be available to respond to them.
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:they're all.
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:really ways of giving to your booker
and helping to make their life easier.
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:So this is, giving to them.
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:In terms of being helpful, you
are giving them helpfulness share
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:their event on your social media.
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:Tag them in on it.
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:Let them know that you're really
excited to be speaking at it.
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:Let your following.
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:Know that you are gonna be there.
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:Maybe if you have a newsletter,
you're gonna include it in there.
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:Or if you have upcoming events,
make sure it gets listed that people
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:want to feel valued and appreciated.
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:Even your bookers, even the events that
you're gonna speak to, they want to
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:know that you are appreciating the work
that they have given and awarded to you.
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:And I think that's a
good feeling all round.
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:Maybe even recommend another
great speaker for them or
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:resource, even if that's not you.
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:but Look, you might have another
talk or workshop that you think
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:might be really good for them.
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:Maybe you could deliver
that whilst you're there.
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:Maybe you want to include
that in part of your fee.
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:If you're being paid well, for a
whole day or couple of days, you
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:can add value whilst you're there.
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:Maybe if you're thinking, well,
if you have another event next
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:year, this isn't my only keynote.
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:I have another couple of keynotes.
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:If either of these would be
of relevance to you, great.
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:Recommend yourself as
the next speaker as well.
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:Or if they'd rather bring
someone else back, here's someone
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:who, who I'm connected with.
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:Hey, look, this is giving
reciprocity to your bookers and
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:to your fellow speakers as well.
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:Referrals are a really great way to do
that, and they are an absolute gift.
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:You're giving people income, you're
giving people business, and you're
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:making life easier for people.
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:So you become very valuable and people
will want to refer you when you do that.
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:So it is that reciprocity.
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:You get back what you give here.
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:But it doesn't end there.
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:During your talk, maybe
offer a free bonus.
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:Maybe it's gonna be a worksheet or a
mini course, one of the things that works
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:really, really well is doing an online
event shortly after you do your talk.
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:It's not gonna cost you much other
than some time and maybe a bit
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:of preparation work, once again,
once you create these things.
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:That work is done.
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:You can keep offering it and
delivering it as an add-on.
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:This was suggested by my friend
Kennedy, who runs the email
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:marketing show and helps people
do work on their email marketing.
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:Kennedy does a lot of speaking, and
he's very good he was saying one of
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:the things he found most effective
is offering an event shortly after
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:that that you can invite them to
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:this gives a reason for attendees
to join your email list, something
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:that you might want them to do.
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:This also gives them added value
and something to look forward to,
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:and you're keeping the learning
loop open for them as well.
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:They're not gonna close off
in their mind everything that
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:they've just learned about.
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:Think about it this way.
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:How many people can go to a keynote
presentation or a workshop, and as
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:soon as it's done, they start the
process of forgetting everything that
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:they've just learned unless there's
a reason for them to keep hold of
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:it and keep that mental tab open.
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:That kind of event will do just that, and
is wonderful value to your bookers and to
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:your audience, even if not everyone shows
up for it, so you know, they can access
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:and access a resource with a QR code.
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:I do probably recommend putting
QR codes up or making sure that
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:people have access to that.
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:Everyone will have the mobile with them.
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:People will flash the mobile
up, they'll get the QR code
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:and make it very easy for them.
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:We don't want people to meet
resistance when they're potentially
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:coming deeper into your funnel.
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:The more we can take out any
friction along the way, the better
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:it's gonna be for you and for them.
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:I'll say this as well, there's this
thing in standup comedy where you should
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:always thank the host of an event.
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:If you're doing an open mic
night, thank the organizers.
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:Say something nice about
the bar and the venue.
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:People appreciate it,
and it also shows that.
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:You're a nice person.
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:You have good manners.
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:You are, looking after the
people who are looking after you.
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:So give the genuine a shout out
particularly to your booker, the
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:event organizer who's probably been
running around like a blue ass fly,
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:trying to get everything organized.
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:That's what event managers do and
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:they will definitely appreciate that.
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:Little shout out.
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:Don't have to make a big thing of it.
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:But, those little shout outs, wherever it
feels appropriate to slip them into your
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:presentation can mean a lot to people.
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:Thank you.
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:AV team, those kinds of things.
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:Maybe even customize part of your talk
to address a unique audience challenge.
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:So if you're going into
a particular corporation.
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:And this is good practice to have
to make sure you do wherever you can
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:connect with people in the organization.
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:And if you don't have the
opportunity to do that at the event.
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:Ask the booker if they can connect you
to some people in the organization,
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:just so you can get a bit of a sense
of what's going on there so that
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:you can tailor some parts of your
talk to that particular audience.
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:Find out what's going on for them.
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:That can be a really valuable way to
get some insight that most speakers
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:would never bother to do, and that's
gonna win you some real points
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:and gonna be that caring thing.
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:Like you're gonna be able to
give them some specific value and
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:they're really gonna like that.
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:They're gonna want to have you.
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:Back probably.
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:You are definitely gonna get some good
feedback after that talk and after
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:your talk, send those thank you cards,
send those small gift to the booker,
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:to your AV team, the event manager,
whoever else has been involved in it.
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:I said just recently on a video.
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:It may be that you don't have to buy
bouquet of flowers, but if you can, that
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:might be nice if you're not being paid for
the good gift cards or note cards, just
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:to thank people for what they've done.
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:Is something that makes you memorable
and something that sometimes people will
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:stick up at home or around their workspace
to show that they've been appreciated.
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:People like being appreciated and
people love being recognized for their
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:contribution, often more so than the
actual gifts themselves that they may get.
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:But when you're being well paid for
events, well, you can probably splash
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:out a bit more and give some valuable
gifts, especially if it's someone who's
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:booking you regularly or someone who's
managed your events before and you have
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:some kind of relationship with them.
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:You might even know a bit more about
them to be able to get them something
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:that you know they will love.
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:Recap your sessions maybe even with
a bonus insight or content, but
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:recap things make it easier for
people to retain the information.
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:Give people a nice, easy way
to review what they've learned.
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:Reviewing is one of the best ways to
help people retain information anyway,
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:ideally you want to encourage reviewing
at several opportunities where you can.
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:So make it easy for them to do that.
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:And, don't forget to thank them again
for their energy, for their attention.
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:Again, people like to be recognized,
even if that's not specifically by name,
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:but with your bookers particularly.
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:Think about this way, your bookers are
under pressure to find good speakers, to
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:get good deals and to put on great events.
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:So the easier you make their life, the
more they will want to work with you.
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:Here's what some of the
reciprocity can look like when
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:you're working with Bookers.
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:It is about being responsive and
flexible and easy to work with.
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:If you show up and you are a diva and
you are difficult or you are going off
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:doing sales, when you've not been given
permission to do that, when it's not
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:in your agreement to do that, they're
not gonna want to work with you again.
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:Offer them promotional materials
in advance so that you can actually
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:prepare people for your event, give
them some pre value, preframe the event.
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:I think people will really look
forward to your talk if they've
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:had something very digestible in
advance that sets them up for it.
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:Do show appreciation to your
team behind the scenes as well.
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:And, if you can, I would say this,
go up and thank people individually.
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:I did, I remember when I very
first started flying as cabin crew.
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:And I did a flight to Bilbao
and there was an actress, some.
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:Of you may know, an actress called
Una Stubbs, and she sadly no longer
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:with us, but a lovely, lovely lady.
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:After the flight, she came and thanked
every single person on the crew
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:individually, and she was such a joy.
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:I can't tell you how much that meant to,
to me and the other people on the crew.
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:It was such a nice thing to do that she
definitely didn't have to do, and that.
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:Shows the fact that I'm still
remembering it now shows you how much
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:these things will stay with people.
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:So be that person who really
shows appreciation and
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:gratitude on individual levels.
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:Don't forget to follow
up months later as well.
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:So it might be that you probably do want
to stay in touch with bookers, really
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:to have longer term relationships.
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:'cause they might want you back
in the future at some point they
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:might want you for a workshop or for
another keynote, or they may have,
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:maybe having an event for a different
organization that you would be ideal for.
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:So we want to kind of try and stay
top of mind with them as well.
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:So give them some helpful tips that
make their life easier or relevant ideas
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:maybe let you know if you've developed
a new keynote or updated the one you
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:have and they might want to offer.
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:Again, let them know what's changed,
what's different that might be
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:useful or interesting to them.
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:Here's where reciprocity can get ugly.
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:if we give with the expectation of
getting something back in return,
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:we are not really giving, we're
actually keeping score and we are
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:probably using reciprocity as a
tool to get something that we want.
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:Think about it this way.
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:How many times have you ever let someone
cut in in traffic or held a door, open
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:and they haven't thanked you stuff.
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:Happens all the time.
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:And maybe even get a bit angry or upset
with them because they didn't thank you,
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:and they should have most people would.
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:Well, did you hold the door
open for somebody so that
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:you would get a thank you?
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:Or just because it was a nice thing to do?
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:Did you let someone cut in in traffic
because you wanted them to thank you, or
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:because it was just a nice thing to do?
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:Do the nice thing and don't expect,
other people that they should be
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:grateful and reciprocate for that.
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:Sometimes they will not.
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:Reciprocity is hardwired in most of
us, but it doesn't always happen.
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:This is giving with the expectation
of getting something back.
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:If you give money to, one of my favorite
charities, give money to the Dogs Trust.
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:What do I get back for that?
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:Well, I get back the knowledge
that they're helping dogs and,
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:and giving them homes and,
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:taking care of dogs that can't be
home, that maybe are unsocialized
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:or, have, are too far gone to be
able to be put in with a family.
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:And so they will look after them.
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:So these dogs are not being
euthanized and they get to live.
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:Do I get stuff better from them?
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:Well, I get that good food
and they send me some stuff.
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:They don't have to, and I
don't need it from them.
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:It's just nice to have, I
have no expectation of getting
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:anything back from them.
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:Other than that they do what they are
doing, that I'm giving them money to
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:help them with, and it's nice to stay
informed about But if I was giving
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:to them because I wanted them to give
a dog or I wanted them to send me
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:goodies, that's not really giving.
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:It's not in the spirit of giving.
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:And so give in the spirit of giving,
even when you do want stuff in return.
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:We use reciprocity to get stuff back in
return, but you can't guarantee that.
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:And I think we should let go
of the expectation of it, but
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:we should encourage giving.
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:I was recently asked a question
about Cialdini's principles of
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:influence, which was, which is
potentially the most unethical or
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:the most misused of the principles.
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:And I I pretty much said scarcity when
it comes to speakers, particularly,
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:people who sell from stage, especially I.
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:People who sell products and
courses online, all those kinds
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:of things, which many of us do.
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:Scarcity is probably the
one that gets most abused.
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:Not always intentionally, but
it, it nearly always does, and a
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:lot of people do scarcity wrong.
300
:Go back and watch the episode on that
if you haven't already done so, if you
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:want to get more one talking about that,
I think reciprocity is probably the one
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:that gets most misused rather than abused.
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:So scarcity gets pretty
abused, reciprocity.
304
:Often it's misunderstood or
misused more than abused.
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:But it can turn manipulative.
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:Think about what I was saying with
the seller earlier or with the cults.
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:They give with they're
giving with strings attached.
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:So I give you this, you now have
to give me something in return.
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:There are ways of creating guilt
in somebody that you've given them
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:something, they have something
of yours and now they owe you.
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:So this is really using guilt against
somebody to get them to a yes.
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:It can be something like giving
a lot of flattery to somebody.
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:And this is a technique that, that
cults use it's called love bombing.
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:People can use it on individual
basis as well, but it's
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:commonly used in cults as well.
316
:They tell you how wonderful you are.
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:They'll compliment you.
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:I was having a chat with a friend
of mine yesterday who was talking
319
:about, nearly getting pulled into
Scientology the UK, in London.
320
:And with this kind of approach, they
were making him feel wonderful, but as
321
:soon as he got a sense of like, oh, this.
322
:Something's not right here and started
to back off and back away from it.
323
:Things turned very quickly.
324
:They went against him.
325
:Pushed him out then said, all
right, well if you're not gonna be
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:part of this, we're done with you.
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:And things tend very rude.
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:That's how it goes.
329
:They want you to feel loved and part
of this everyone's wonderful, but as
330
:soon as you go against them in what
they want from you, it will turn.
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:It will turn ugly.
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:my grandmother used to say,
never trust the charming man.
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:Well, yes and no.
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:Be what she really meant by that was
be wary of people who flatter you
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:too much 'cause they're trying to
get something out of you and they're
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:trying to put you into a full sense
of obligation to them and trust.
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:They want you to feel that
you can trust them and that
338
:they are giving you something.
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:they're giving you potentially
a boost to your self worth.
340
:That can be very powerful and
341
:for those of us who maybe struggle with
self-esteem or self-worth, that can be
342
:a very powerful thing that somebody is
showing you all this attention and love
343
:and appreciation that very often you
may not be experiencing in your life.
344
:Of course, that's gonna have a
profound impact on you, but it should.
345
:It should be raising up a red
flag instead, You're not really
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:giving to create a connection
or to do something nice.
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:You're giving because you wanna
hold the debt for the future.
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:You want that person to owe you
something so you can call and
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:collect on it at some point.
350
:Be very wary of that.
351
:And if you find yourself in situations
where that's set up, even when you
352
:know that's what's happening, you're
still gonna feel you're still gonna
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:feel that you need to reciprocate.
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:It's how things go.
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:Be as wary as you can.
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:We cannot a hundred percent protect
ourselves from the negative or
357
:unethical uses of any of these
tools of influence and persuasion.
358
:But having a bit of awareness about
it does potentially give us a bit
359
:of a better chance to be able to see
these things, flag them up when they
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:appear like, I know what this is.
361
:This is, this is you.
362
:You're using reciprocity to manipulate me.
363
:You might recognize it and
be able to step back from it.
364
:So I think people can feel, most of the
time people can feel when your giving
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:is genuine and when it's calculated.
366
:so if reciprocity is more of a
transactional tactic rather than a
367
:way of being, it usually backfires.
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:There are certainly people who have
wanted to be on my podcast in the past to
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:come across very, very transactionally.
370
:And whilst they might
still be good guests.
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:I'm wary about who I want to give
energy to, who I want to platform.
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:And if I don't feel right about somebody,
just think they're out for what they can
373
:get, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
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:I don't want them on my show.
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:So you will never really find guests
on my show who are there because,
376
:because they wanted something from
me and I wanted something from them.
377
:That's a very small part of the story.
378
:We are there because we want, they
want to serve, want to share a message,
379
:want to help people and, and want
to connect and have relationships.
380
:Look, there are times when
reciprocity just doesn't work.
381
:We've already talked about the example
of sometimes you hold a door open for
382
:someone and they don't say thank you.
383
:Well, okay, it definitely happens.
384
:You gave and you got ghosted.
385
:So what now?
386
:Not everyone is gonna reciprocate,
and that's okay, or it should be okay.
387
:There is a tendency in us that we
feel people should reciprocate.
388
:That's how hardwired this is.
389
:But when we're doing it from the stage
or a part of our business, it could
390
:be that we offered the wrong kind of
value with our gift, with our giveaway.
391
:It might be the wrong timing.
392
:It might done in the wrong way.
393
:Maybe the call to action
isn't strong enough.
394
:Sometimes the person actually
just isn't a giver themselves
395
:and find it very easy to take.
396
:There's a lot of that
in the world these days.
397
:So reciprocity shouldn't be about control.
398
:It should be more about connection.
399
:Whilst it is still very powerful, one
of the most powerful of the principles
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:of influence and persuasion, it is not
a hundred percent guaranteed to work.
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:So instead of giving to get give,
because that's who you are and is
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:who you want to be, is how you want
to show up in the world as someone
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:who gives someone who cares, someone
who makes life better for people.
404
:I'll say as well, if you are giving
all this stuff, if you're giving
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:away all these things and not getting
anything back in return, there's
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:something going on with your messaging.
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:So it might even be that you are
not including a call to action.
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:And I think of all these people who
are in jobs, who work really hard but
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:never really pipe up about what they're
doing or what they've achieved and never
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:really want to blow their own trumpet.
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:My dad was one of those people and got
passed over so many times because of it.
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:Because people, we might think it's a
little unsavory to blow your own trumpet
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:and to say, Hey, I'm doing this on, I
Wonderful is what gets people promoted.
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:We need to notice, you need to
be aware of what's going on.
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:If people are just quietly getting on
with their work and maybe even working
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:damn hard, but expecting to get something
back from that and they don't get that
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:something back is because they're not
being, not really being noticed because
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:they're being quiet about it because
they're kinda think, oh, they seem
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:happy enough with what they're doing.
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:They just keep their head down.
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:They get on with it.
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:Maybe they're not interested in promotion.
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:And so on.
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:So clear calls to action.
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:Don't just give and then think,
well, people are gonna naturally
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:always feel that they reciprocate.
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:Give them the opportunity
to actually do that.
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:Give them a way to reciprocate.
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:So you've given, give them a way to
reciprocate should they want it, should
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:they feel like it's the right thing.
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:Again, not, not to be super transactional
about it, but just to actually be
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:clear about, here is your opportunity.
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:Here's a way that you can give if you
would like to, but no expectation, no
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:pressure, no guilting people into this.
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:If you have found any of this
video helpful at all, I'm
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:gonna ask you to reciprocate.
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:Here's your call to action to give
this a like and a subscribe and
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:maybe share it with another speaker
who might benefit from it too.
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:Also be sure to check the description
for more information and resources
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:that are available to you.
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:And if you haven't already, watch
the whole playlist because there
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:are seven principles of influence.
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:This is only number five.
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:We have six and seven yet to come.
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:So
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:until next time, stay present, be
generous, and keep influencing.
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:See you soon.
